My Contradicting Words
by NeverThink
Summary: "Y'see, God gets bored and throws me these moments so I've got something to muse over later when I'm in that cold bed with Jordan." Cox drabble, his thoughts/feelings of Carla and Turk. Disclaimer within. Please R&R.


_**Random one-shot I thought of whilst eating a chocolate brownie and watching season 1 of Scrubs... It's not long but I hope you like it as much as I did. It's in Dr Cox's POV, but you'll probably guess that when you read. Enjoy! xxxNTxxx  
Pairing: Cox/Carla  
Rating: K+, there's nothing bad in here  
Disclaimer: I do not own Scrubs or any of the characters**_

I'm not going to lie – I'm in love. But, darn it all, I'm gonna keep it to myself. I'll let those sorry-ass idiots keep thinking that I don't have a heart because if they for one second believed me capable of actual human emotions, I'd have to quit right now on the spot. Yet if I keep this to myself, I might just bust my guts out all over the floor. I mean, honestly, how do these people stay in relationships without sabotaging everything instantly? I couldn't possibly do that, which is why I won't tell Carla that I'm in love with her; if I ever hurt her I would never forgive myself. Besides, she gets annoyed with my rants. She's the only one he keeps me in check.

But her boyfriend re-he-healy shortens my temper, with his 'black man talk' and beep-boxing dance moves, and that stupid grin. He irritates me almost as much as Newbie. The only problem is, it looks like Carla actually loves him, somehow. The G-Man just doesn't want me to be happy, _do you? _What did I ever do to you! Just 'cause I don't believe in you don't mean you can screw with my emotions like that...

Ghandi's okay, I suppose. If he makes her happy, then I'll have to be happy. I don't want to hurt her, not like I've done to so many others. The she-devil is different; Jordan can take it and she doesn't bruise as easily. She just bounces right back. There's been times during the night when I've thought about just leaving her and escaping this dead-end life of ranting and raving about little things and just running away with Carla in my arms. But that will never happen.

If I put myself out there, I'm just gonna end up screwing it up. Carla see's me as a friend and nothing more. Ghandi would be heart-broken and I'm not gonna be the asshole and kills his soul – not me, not ever. I like to think that I enjoy other people's pain but that is not true. I can control myself. I have to control myself every day, every time I pass by the nurses' station and she's there, smiling at me with those plump lips and big brown eyes, her hair so curly and neat.

I don't dwell on looks, though. Don't get me wrong – she is _hot_. Gosh darn it, I would so hit that any day of the week. Carla's personality shines out to me too. She knocks me down when I'm being a jerk. She tells me when to stop, and I usually listen. She comforts me when I'm down. She's always there to balance my attitudes and tell me when I'm wrong or right. It was her idea to lay of Newbie once in a while and maybe think about moulding him into a perfect vision of my dear self.

You know what? I'm going to do it. I think about it every time I come by here, but today is different. I'm going to march right up to that nurses' station, take her by the waist and kiss her little panties off... only you know that I won't. Because she's smiling at me, and I don't want to break her heart or make her have to choose between the men in her life. Plus, Ghand-a-roni is there too, leaning in the counter like he's 'cool' and spouting off some street talk. Carla call's him 'baby', and tells him that she'll come over tonight. He walks away and she comes to me to ask what I want.

"Nothing." I say, the same old scene over and over every day. I shrug and smile at her, and she smiles back, and that's as far as anything goes. Because I know that I'm not going to hurt her. Not today. Y'see, God gets bored and throws me these moments so I've got something to muse over later when I'm in that cold bed with Jordan. I'll over-think it tonight and go over the situation once more. I'll do what I'm doing now.

And then I'll re-iterate what I've thought about, count all of the 'buts', 'yets' and 'althoughs' I said, and think to myself that if those words didn't exist, things would be God damn easier. So much easier...

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_**Please review :)**_


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